You can't always get what you want...

Matching in pink for Vic's birthday.

But if you try sometime, you might find/You get what you need...

Well, it's been another interesting week in my life.  Between spending time with Vic (which, more often than not, is the highlight of my day), helping at a rally, catching up on assignments, work, classes, and more, I'm simply exhausted. Both physically and emotionally.

Recently, I've felt overwhelmed with the amount of things I do as a Community Assistant. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and residents, but being the go-to girl can be difficult at times. I'm glad to be of help to my fellow staff members, my hall director, and all of the residents, but sometimes... It's just too much.

"I feel like the other CAs in my building don't pull their weight with our duties," I admitted.

"And why do you feel that way?" asked my counselor during our Tuesday session.

I pondered the question for a moment. "I guess... I just do so much for the job, my residents - well, all of the residents, and I'm always the person that they all turn to when something needs done."

"So, you're all getting paid basically the same amount, give or take, and have the same responsibilities, but you're always the one doing something beyond that."

"Essentially... yes. And it's draining: I have 71 residents and I'm in charge of 42 work study students. I have a full fifteen credit course load, a work study, and am involved in quite a few groups on campus."

"And last time, you also mentioned that you had a graduate school interview coming up and recently entered into a new relationship."

"Yes," I replied. "Those too."

It was freeing to expel everything that's been weighing down on me lately to my counselor. He gave me some suggestions on how to talk to my hall director about how all of this has been impacting me. I was afraid to talk to my hall director about these issues because I didn't want to sound like the bad guy or tattle-tale, but knowing how I want to phrase something is half the battle. (This is especially true for me, because I often find myself having a difficult time putting things into words, which is why having this blog has helped me in more than one regard.)

Sleep? What's that? I'm an overworked college student!

Apart from that, this week has been an interesting one...
- I somehow got a B on a test that I didn't study for.
- I received an email today that told me that I won an award at school that I was nominated for a few weeks ago (ironically, one of my best friends was also nominated and won!).
- And, last but not least, I also got an email that said I've been placed on the wait list for my top choice graduate school. While it wasn't the answer I wanted, it wasn't a flat-out rejection either. Though it would have been nice to get a straight-forward yes or no, it's also given me time to think about a lot of things, discuss with people (well, mostly Vic... by which I mean, crying on his shoulder) about my options, and consider what else is out there. I'm definitely going to be doing a lot of soul-searching in the coming days and weeks.

Learning to Ask for Help

Humble.  That's how my counselor described me at my first session yesterday. We discussed many of the same things that I mentioned in a previous entry.

We talked about the losses of my great-aunt and great-grandma.  How I'm used to being the rock, the stronghold for friends and family.  How there is no one single "right" way of coping.  There are stages of grief and coping, but not everyone follows them.  He also discussed various methods of coping.

Another topic of discussion was how I feel as though I'm often the go-to CA.  If something needs done and it isn't being done, I take responsibility to get whatever that thing may be done.  Even my residence hall director has acknowledged this fact.  I told him how I do these things, more often than not, without being recognized for it.  The thing is, I don't like the attention that comes with things of that nature.  Just a simple 'thanks' is often all.  I don't like being put in the forefront or the spotlight.  It makes me uncomfortable to receive praise and thanks sometimes.  I think that some recognition is important though.  It shows people that you do care what they're doing.

My counselor also asked if I ask for help.  I thought this was an interesting question.  I wasn't quite sure how to answer it at first.  Then I realized something:  I hardly ask for help with anything.  I'm the person who people usually turn to, not the other way around (maybe that's why it took me a while to actually go to the counseling center in the first place).  I told him that if the need arises and I can't handle a situation alone, that's usually when I would ask for help, if at all.  Maybe it's the fear of being mocked, others thinking that I'm incapable of doing something alone, or something else altogether.  I'm not quite sure what it is.  I can be fiercely independent in some situations, and rely on others in various situations (which is often why I despise group work).  It's very situationally dependent.

We also discussed my family and friends.  I'm incredibly lucky to have a supportive family.  My parents have provided so much for me and my younger brother.  I'm very fortunate.  In terms of friends, it often feels like I have 2 different sets of friends:  I have those who I trust completely and am very open with, and those who I am not as close with.  Those closer friends are the ones I tell just about everything and trust them enough to not judge me and give me sound advice if I ask for it.  They're also the same people for whom my phone is always on and will answer any time of the day or night.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the friendship I have with the other people, but I am not as close to them as I am the others.

Although it seemed like the conversation jumped around a lot, I did express some things I hadn't before and it helped to discuss those issues.  Probably since I hadn't done so with another person, or if I had, it wasn't as in depth.  The last thing we discussed also connected to working as a CA and in student affairs.  He asked about my grad school interview in a few weeks and how I was feeling about that:  nervous.  Excited.  Scared.  Amazed.

We set another appointment for a few weeks from now (mostly because spring break is next week and he and I both have busy schedules).  And it'll be a few days after I have my interview.  He doesn't think I'm crazy, just that I'm beginning to realize that asking for help isn't a bad thing.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  (He also told me that as a counselor, he has to remain partial and impartial.  But apparently that was difficult from the start because he, just like almost everyone else I've written something for, is amazed by my neat handwriting.  I can't tell you how many times I've been told it looks type-written.)

Interestingly enough, we also discovered that one of my dad's best friends from high school is my counselor's brother.  It really is a small world, with connections everywhere... You just have to learn to look for them.