This was a really tough entry for me to write. If it jumps around a lot, I apologize. It's been a tough few days.
Last Thursday, I realized I hadn't been eating much (which is definitely not normal for me) and was exceptionally sleepy. Considering how much I do, I just shrugged it off and ignored it. I figured I just needed a good night's sleep and that would solve it. I also played it off to the fact I played Monopoly with some friends into late night/early morning on Friday.
On Friday, I hung out with a friend and we had dinner. Then, we walked around campus and chatted, watched a movie with a mutual friend, and just hung out. Saturday, we decided to hang out again, just the two of us. We went to his apartment. He made dinner for us, although most of it went uneaten because of how much we were enjoying each other's company. I hadn't been that happy in a while.
However, despite that, I still hadn't been feeling like me. I don't know where the breaking point started, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to someone who wouldn't judge me, wouldn't think that I'm crazy, etc. So, around 3:30 or so this afternoon (Sunday), I went to my school's health center.
I realized in talking to the nurse at my university's health center, as well as an incredibly caring person on a hotline that I let a lot get to me. I broke down in tears telling her all of this...
- This year marks the 4th and 5th anniversaries of losing two family members (I discovered today that I held onto a lot of my emotions from those deaths because I wanted to be strong for my parents. My great-grandma and my mom were incredibly close; as were my great-aunt and my father, she basically raised him from the time he was in 4th grade).
- The second shooting at Virginia Tech really scared me due to my cousin having been there during the first one.
- There are some big changes in my family this year. Both of my parents have big birthdays coming up (Dad's turning 60, Mom's turning 50); my brother is graduating from high school and going to begin his undergraduate college career; my mother is graduating with her Master's degree and beginning work to attain her CCC (Certificate of Clinical Competency); and I'm graduating with my Bachelor's and potentially starting graduate school in the fall.
- I have an interview at my top choice graduate program in less than a month.
- I've realized that because I put too much effort into my RA/CA job sometimes, I expect others to have the same standard of work. This job has provided me with so many incredible opportunities, I hate to see others not taking better advantage of what's available.
After our conversation, which lasted over an hour and was more helpful than I could have ever imagined, she also helped me make an appointment at the counseling center on campus. She wanted me to get another opinion of how I can control this and not let it control me.
Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks, readers. You're an amazing group of fellow bloggers and friends. As I wrote on my Facebook status earlier:
Yes, you, reading this right now. Thank you for being in my life. Whether you're a friend, family, or a friend who might as well be family, thank you. You are all incredible people who deserve nothing but the best the world has to offer you.
I count you all in this group. You are all so incredibly supportive of each other. It gives me so much hope. In this journey called life, you meet so many people. And while I haven't met the majority of you in person, I hope one day I can, just to thank you for the impact you have had on my life. I'll keep you updated of my progress.
PS: My MacBook's screen has decided to flicker off and on again. I'll be taking it to the Apple store over break. I'll keep you updated as much as I can.