Monday, February 27, 2012

Troubled thoughts and thanks

This was a really tough entry for me to write. If it jumps around a lot, I apologize. It's been a tough few days.

Last Thursday, I realized I hadn't been eating much (which is definitely not normal for me) and was exceptionally sleepy. Considering how much I do, I just shrugged it off and ignored it. I figured I just needed a good night's sleep and that would solve it. I also played it off to the fact I played Monopoly with some friends into late night/early morning on Friday.

On Friday, I hung out with a friend and we had dinner. Then, we walked around campus and chatted, watched a movie with a mutual friend, and just hung out. Saturday, we decided to hang out again, just the two of us. We went to his apartment. He made dinner for us, although most of it went uneaten because of how much we were enjoying each other's company.  I hadn't been that happy in a while.

However, despite that, I still hadn't been feeling like me. I don't know where the breaking point started, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to someone who wouldn't judge me, wouldn't think that I'm crazy, etc.  So, around 3:30 or so this afternoon (Sunday), I went to my school's health center.

I realized in talking to the nurse at my university's health center, as well as an incredibly caring person on a hotline that I let a lot get to me.  I broke down in tears telling her all of this...
- This year marks the 4th and 5th anniversaries of losing two family members (I discovered today that I held onto a lot of my emotions from those deaths because I wanted to be strong for my parents. My great-grandma and my mom were incredibly close; as were my great-aunt and my father, she basically raised him from the time he was in 4th grade).
- The second shooting at Virginia Tech really scared me due to my cousin having been there during the first one.
- There are some big changes in my family this year. Both of my parents have big birthdays coming up (Dad's turning 60, Mom's turning 50); my brother is graduating from high school and going to begin his undergraduate college career; my mother is graduating with her Master's degree and beginning work to attain her CCC (Certificate of Clinical Competency); and I'm graduating with my Bachelor's and potentially starting graduate school in the fall.
- I have an interview at my top choice graduate program in less than a month.
- I've realized that because I put too much effort into my RA/CA job sometimes, I expect others to have the same standard of work. This job has provided me with so many incredible opportunities, I hate to see others not taking better advantage of what's available.

After our conversation, which lasted over an hour and was more helpful than I could have ever imagined, she also helped me make an appointment at the counseling center on campus. She wanted me to get another opinion of how I can control this and not let it control me.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks, readers. You're an amazing group of fellow bloggers and friends. As I wrote on my Facebook status earlier:

Dear You,
Yes, you, reading this right now. Thank you for being in my life. Whether you're a friend, family, or a friend who might as well be family, thank you. You are all incredible people who deserve nothing but the best the world has to offer you.
Love, Cary

I count you all in this group. You are all so incredibly supportive of each other. It gives me so much hope. In this journey called life, you meet so many people. And while I haven't met the majority of you in person, I hope one day I can, just to thank you for the impact you have had on my life.  I'll keep you updated of my progress.

PS: My MacBook's screen has decided to flicker off and on again. I'll be taking it to the Apple store over break. I'll keep you updated as much as I can.


  1. Wow, sorry to hear that you haven't been having such a good day! But, on the upside, I'm glad that you were able to get some stuff out on the table and pull your thoughts together a little bit. I'm glad to see that you've been able to identify the root of some of the things that are bothering you (family changes, deaths, interview stress, etc.). Personally, I know that I am surprisingly good at coping with most of the problems that I have if I can figure out what the problem is and why it's bothering me so much...So I hope that this happens for you, too! And, keep in mind that we ALL have a little breakdown now and then. My most recent one was about 4 months ago. I was in a meeting with my advisor, and I pulled out an essay that I had written as part of a grant proposal that I was working on. I took a deep breath and started explaining to my advisor that I knew that it wasn't a great essay and still needed some work...And then I just broke down crying and sobbing about how I was up until 4:30AM working on this stupid essay and it still sounded like shit. My advisor was: 1. Pleasantly surprised that I had even STARTED on the essay...He hadn't expected a draft until the next week, and 2. Was a little confused as to why I was crying and sobbing about being a graduate school failure. It's like you said... Just the build-up of emotions gets to everyone now and then, and sometimes sneaks up on us at unexpected times. And, you also made a good point about being constantly busy...If you flipped through your day planner and looked at all of the things you have done, all of the stuff that has happened, and all of the places you've been within the past few months...It's a wonder that people don't have these build-up-break-downs more often! ANYWAY, sorry for my very long comment, and I hope that you are feeling better now that you have at least realized that you need to stop and think about a few things...I hope that you are able to take a breather this week and that you start feeling like yourself again soon!

  2. That's rough - you certainly have a lot to deal with right now! That's awesome that you managed to speak some really helpful people though. Hopefully the rest of this week is calm and peaceful :)

  3. You have a lot to deal with. I hope everything goes well at the counseling center. Therapy has been helping me tremendously. I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to :)

  4. Thank you all for your comments. :)

    Jan, I'm hoping I can get to the root of these issues and sort them out. It would be a welcome reprieve from what I'm feeling right now.

    Lozzz, it really is. I didn't realize until I poured all of it out and realized how much of an impact it was having on my life.

    Thanks, Kathy. It means a lot. I'll be sure to update you all on how it goes. I think it'll help immensely.

  5. It seems I've found a good time to come back to the blogger world. It seems a number of us are in turmoil at this stage in our lives.

  6. As of right now, I've had on days and off days. It's a lot of inner turmoil. I have high points and low points and somewhere I just want to say screw it and do nothing but be lazy.

    Having talked to a few people, I think that getting this professional help will be a good thing. I know I need to change some thing(s), and having that guidance will be a burden-lifter.