|>4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 ...|
Anyhow. Since my last post, a day has passed, and I've calmed down a little from freaking out about my future (even though it still scares me).
I've had office hours, am currently on-call, have gone to classes, etc. I went to student convocation earlier, and it was a beacon of light that I needed. Granted, I could have done without the dinosaur metaphor from the university president, but that's beside the point. Something he said stuck with me, though. He said, "You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails."
I had heard the quote before and always shrugged it off. Something about it though, this time, spoke to me. It's sort of a funny thing how experiences can shape us without us realizing it, usually when we least expect it. Before this school year started (as both a student and RA), I was terrified to learn that I had 70 residents, +/-5, more office hours, and an increase in responsibility. Something changed, though. I stepped up to that challenge... And I'm happy about it.
I also scheduled to meet with a professor about a grad check, to confirm what classes I still need before I graduate. I think this is where it suddenly hit me that while I'm still sort of scared of what my future holds... I'm really also excited about it.
Maybe that's why I, the girl who has lived in the same house for 21 years and who goes to school in the same county, want to escape the small town and go somewhere completely new. Granted, the grad school I'm looking at isn't much bigger... but it's change. (When my parents started redoing the house in March, I was okay with it. Then they got rid of some furniture that we've had either since I was born or since I was 10-ish. I looked at them and said, "I might have voted for Barack Obama, but that doesn't mean I do well with all change.")
It's because of this that some little voices inside my head and heart (two things that tend to disagree more than anything) are saying it's okay. It's okay to be afraid, to wonder what's beyond the extremes, and to know there's something out there for everyone. My extremes scare even me. Perhaps that's why I've always had a love for reading. It takes me to new places. Right now, I'm in a small town and simultaneously a psych ward (in the books, that is, not real life. I'm simultaneously reading Under the Dome and Girl, Interrupted; both of which I highly recommend).
However, I think this change will be good (you know, that is, if I get into the school). I've been incredibly lucky in the last few years to meet some absolutely amazing people at school. They've changed my perspective on life, love, loss, and more. And for that, I'm grateful. More than they could ever know.